Thus Spake Luftmensch, Ep 4: On Vampires

On the Unfairness and Neglect among Academia of the M-theory of Vampire Origins.


animated-vampire-image-0069The origin of vampires has been the stuff of much hair-pulling, toe-nail-biting academic research and uncouth layman speculation since decades, or perhaps centuries. Putting the lid on the debate for the meanwhile, Barbara Creed in her weird book, The Monstrous-Feminine asserts that the vampire as well as most mythical monsters is in fact a reworking of the ‘abject feminine’ with all its gruesome connexions with blood, afterbirth, bloating, birth, ergo death and mothering. The blood-stained, fang-toothed mouth of the vampire is the vagina dentata, literally, toothed vagina, something unschooled, bawdy medieval devil-worshippers, I mean, pagans believed was possessed by all women to castrate unwary male victims. Moreover the vampire dwelt in coffins and thrived in spots moist, dark and disgusting, which is to say, without further euphemistic trappings, the womb.

Though in Meyer’s Twilight series, the Cullens seem to have outgrown the womb and moved in to slick, bright and glassy housing, the womb too (in the film) has transformed into an accessible, cosy affair thanks to modern medical technology, the only horror of it all being the act of childbirth which bloodily and noisily destroys the spicness and spanness of the Cullens’ quiet, white home. On an unrelated note, the child is the abject being here because it drains the blood out of its own Ma. Nothing but a case of the famous Freudian displacement: the womb is okay, the baby is not. The dentata within the womb are baby teeth. (Copyright Warning: Nobody has said this before, not even Creed.)

Despite my patented statements above, I must warn you, unwary reader, not to fall for all this mishegoss. There is a disregarded theory, relatively unknown, which is the M- theory or the Mosquito theory which posits that the vampire is a mythical symbol derived from the ills and horrors wrecked by the mosquito, especially after the Crusades. If you think about it you will be appalled by the similarities the vampire shares with the mosquito. They thrive and prowl about in damp, dark climates, they are swift with well-evolved reflexes, and they are, if you will, even fatally attractive and seductively luring with their musical droning (especially when you compare them with the despicable, annoying housefly). The bite of the mosquito causes terrible illnesses, and even death, though it hasn’t been reported to have caused anyone to be literally transformed into a mosquito themselves. But that part of the myth we can let slide for it is obviously an exaggeration. Calvin_vampire

In contrast with such high-sounding nastiness of ideas like the ‘abject feminine’ or the ‘vagina dentata’, the mosquito may seem a puny opponent. Nevertheless the theory holds good if you study it with a straight face and must therefore be revived and restored to serious academic attention.

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